real quick

"Fantasy Baseball Update from Chicago because the HDVD of The Departed froze 10 minutes in."
a.k.a.
"Idiot Lessons: Part B"

Ok. I've been on the road for four days but I've had internet access everywhere...and I forgot to start Philadelphia ace Cole Hamels tonight. Before I discuss his stats, I must admit that mere hours ago, I was trashing Mr. Hamels and of course Brad Lidge (Philly's closer) for fucking up my f-team's (the L.A. Riotsquad...not the most creative name but I also am in a league of strangers so I can't be the Midnight Mungers and get any appreciation for it) ERA from an awful April (and Lidge's continuing woes despite some recent saves). Essentially I put all the blame on being in dead last in the Yahoo league on my Philly pitchers.
And tonight he goes to L.A. and pitches a motherfucker of a shutout. I see this and instantly have a mild panic attack: Did I have him in the starting rotation?
I get scared and turn on the computer. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I knew it was bad when I saw what the Yankees did to my newly acquired Texas Ranger, Brandon McCarthy (6 ER, 4 IP). And OF COURSE he was starting. And Cole Hamels was benched. 9 IP, O ER, 5 H, O BB
Fuck my life. The icing on the cake, as if my sweettooth hadn't already been yanked from mine gums????
Starting for the L.A. Riotsquad as he does everyday, the Jays' Alex Rios. What might he have done today to top it all off? Howabout 0-5 with 5 FUCKING STRIkEOUTS!!!!!!!! I'd call that a Flaming Sombrero.

Luckily none of this matters, because I rep the JD Drew-tang clan, and he went 0-1...but...wait for it...4 walks, an RBI and a run! I will take it. In dead last I remain. :(

Also, Randy Johnson's son is named Tanner. Randy got Win #300 vs. Washington. Too bad he plays for the gayest team in baseball. Oh wait, that's NYY, featuring Lee Teixeira's husband at first base.

mOral of the story: Cole Hamels still has 'it' and I need to find a better way to channel my hatred for Brad Lidge. Yet I just can't drop him from the Riotsquad. Fucking paradox, as Nicholson was saying before the HDVD player went kaputz. (Sidenote: how High was Jack at the Lakers/Magic game tonight? He displayed jazz fingers after many of Mr. Bryant's baskets, I will have to try to find the video of that tomorrow cause it was fucking hilarious)

"Geez...she fell funny." the departed