Amidst the mists and coldest frosts,
With stoutest wrists and loudest boasts, He thrusts his fists against the posts, And still insists he sees the ghosts. -articulation excercise
Maaan, I said I wasn't going to write this but it's feeling more and more necessary with each 10 minute youTube clip of the abomination known as (Canadian TV movie) IT (1990) that I watch.
Real quick, if I didn't already say so, but in my 20 some-odd years of reading (*the first book I ever read on my own was Dr. Seuss' MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO, which might explain my loathing of conformity) I have never read a better book that "It." Subjectivity aside, if you are a) from a small town and b) intrigued by the horror genre, I can't imagine there is a better novel out there...I was willing to avoid having to do a super late book review accompanied by a super late "movie" review, until I found out that some real American FILM companies are in the works of developing a new version of It, which sure as shit better be rated R. Or NC-17 if the distrib. companies ever pull their heads out of the sand.
I haven't seen this movie since I watched it with my mom in the mid-nineties, but now, 20 minutes into it, the lack of blood and violence is actually a slap in the face. I understand that it was on TV in a time (a REPUBLICAN time) in which you could hardly say Heck on T.V. and they did the best they could. I will weigh the pros and cons, but one big pro is that, despite the tame nature of the horror scenes, I've spoken with more than one person in the past month who wouldn't go near a toilet or a sewer for months after seeing It in their youth. But GODDAMN THIS MOVIE IS DATED. And mostly miscast, but I'll break that down more later. John Ritter is perfect in his role, that's a gimme, but here's a big red flag: the dominant protagonist, "Stuttering" Bill Denbrough, is a balding man in the novel, yet Richard Thomas, an actor who nobody knows anymore (my dad had to tell me he came to fame as John-Boy Walton on 'The Waltons,' speaking of tame and dated), plays the role with a massive fucking PONY TAIL. Who's bright idea was that? I'm offended by it. But what's really weird that I just noticed tonight is that the child version of Stuttering Bill was played by SeaQuest legend Jonathan Brandis. And he's fucking dead. As is Mr. Ritter. We're 0-2 on the only decent actors in the film. Coincidence? Well...there were several other deaths, but they pertain to the careers of 90% of the actors involved. Two of them came from "Night Court," after all.
I'm pretty sure old 'Cuse taught me that you're supposed to have a thesis statement somewhere toward the beginning of any argumentative essay, and mine would be this:
THEY NEED TO REMAKE THIS MOVIE RIGHT. IT NEEDS TO BE THE CURRENT 15-25 YEARS OLDS' "The Shining." IT MUST SCARE YOU SHITLESS, AND NOT HAVE AN ENDING SO PHONED-IN THAT IT RUINS THE PREVIOUS 3 HOURS OF SEMI-ACCEPTABLE FOOTAGE.
I am fairly convinced that at the time being, I am the only person zeroed in on how great it would be to make amends for turning My Favorite novel into a horror tv-movie by making a Theatrical gorefest akin to "Nightmare on Elm Street" (tonally) and "Scream" (financially). Therefore, I will break down every nuance of the 1990 version and then, using my spiffy Hollywood skill set, send this to the company that I am told is developing IT as we speak. (Vertigo/Lin Pictures) Because producers just loooove tips from fans on how to do their jobs. (-line will be removed before sending-)
Issue #1: Tim Curry was PERFECTO as Pennywise the Clown, but mind you, the clown is NOT IT. Just a face IT wears. Check out that fun fact on imdb that says none of the other actors in the movie would even go near Curry during the filming because he stayed in character, and he was a bonified Creeper while doing so. In my opinion, there is NO REASON not to recast Tim as the Clown. Fuck age, he's got the chops and the studios have A-list makeup artists. I suppose it's just a matter of willingness; actors probably don't love the thought of doing something they've already done unless we're talking about Kurt Russell escaping from L.A. (which, funny enough, is exactly what I'm trying to do too!) or Vin Diesel driving cars while getting paid to (choking) "act."
Back to how dated this is, the movie was shot only 20 years ago, and I fully acknowledge the world was a much different place in 1990, but the costumes are ludicrous. Looks that dress toward the end of YouTube's Part 2 and tell me you didn't vomit into your mouth a little. Was there a phase where sexy meant making women look like they had the Ultimate Warrior's biceps? God I hope that doesn't ever become cool again. BUT, I will say that whoever plays the adult Ben Hanscom in the new version should absolutely rock a bolo tie. I mean, that's what rich achitects do, right?
More to come tonight...I still have about 14 hrs of broken up footage to comb over, and it's not the same to watch on such a scorcher of a day. Disclaimer: If the Celtics win, I will follow through. If they lose, I will likely write a drunken slur of an entry about how much Hedo Turkoglu looks like Le Tenia from the French mindsnapper Irreversible
and how hopefully this time the guy with the fire extinguisher gets it done right. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you're lucky. (shudders)
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