Plug

www.cultureblues.com

A (new?) site from Burning Bridges producer/writer Jeremiah White & friends. Good stuff. Big words.

www.dictionary.com

Bob Odenkirk: comic for the ages

And if you happen to watch BREAKING BAD (AMC), you'll see he's now a recurring character who adds some laughs to a very disturbing, gripping program.

crab apple

If you have DSS on speed dial, pick up that phone.

WOW. Thanks for the link Christine, to www.YourBabyisanAsshole.com...
May wonders never cease.

Meet Aziz

if you haven't yet...from HUMAN GIANT to PARKS & RECREATION, he is simply The Man.

Raaaaaaaandy - Part 2 (Funny People) from Aziz Ansari

NIce Resume, Shitty Job

http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/07/go-kill-yourself-di-bonaventura

I'm not a big fan of Asteroid, but Someone needs to tell this guy to stay away from the video games and cartoons of our youths. He simply wishes to rape them for the price of $100 million apiece. Jerk. Don't you dare trying to make Shia LeBouef the live-action version of Darkwing Duck!!! And don't even think about the possibility of PRIMAL RAGE: THE MOVIE, or a Jonas version of Double Dragon, 3. Get it?? Three?! Cause there's three of them, oh what wit.


Though I'd give him a crack at 'My Little Pony,' just to see how bad it would be (and it would make Transformers look like Gone with the Wind..."Gone with the Autobots"? Killer crossover, but still not as good as my idea to digitally insert Andre the Giant and Michael Jackson together in a buddy comedy...or would it be a thriller...haaa. It would've made trillions in the eighties.)

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0225146/

"Instead of being treated like criminals for using a substance safer than alcohol, we want to pay our fair share."

(from FARK.com)

Ad says California deficit could go up in smoke

(Hmm...image may contradict text)

Kids and their damn technology

from PizzaComedy.com...
Nice copyright infringement avoidance. I can't tell, is that a real song? Hey Pizza, couldn't you commission Feist to contribute a snazzy little ditty?

Bol's out

I was taking a long walk (around Barnes & Nobles), and after several internal debates in which I had to remind myself that libraries lend books for free while stores charge 18.99 for paperbacks nowadays, I decided to peruse the magazine section ('mag' or 'zine' section for short; Please don't say periodicals). I came across an interesting one called FILTER, and having recently been lucky to find contentment in another random selection (HI-FRUCTOSE), I splurged for it, intrigued by the cover article on the band ANIMAL COLLECTIVE...

The highlight of it is on the very last page, a section called End-notes. I can't find the humor piece, written by Andy Samberg, to post here, so check out the zine if you can. Does this picture not sell a million copies if you put it on the cover??

lorda mercy

wow

how did I miss this???!!! (could it be only having internet access 73% of the time instead of 100%...sure, let's go with that)

Day Party Down

I do not miss corporate life.



Re-posted party music...







steady are you ready?

escape

Greetings + Salutations. Whilst I work on some serious (cough) literature, I decided it best to at least keep the site looking as if someone cares about it. So I'll post videos upon videos and recommend visual entertainment until I'm chicken cordon bleu in the face. How's this for a start?



I like watching the puddles gather rain, but thanks to good old S.O., I prefer watching BBC's/Simon Pegg's "SPACED." (embedding disabled by request...Laaaaame)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szJ07k-cHqU

Very happy to be aware of this brilliant bit of British humour. And since I don't have time (cough) to write about it in detail, here's someone elses take. (click on pic)

5555

5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem

...it's a hot day. I fully recommend getting messy and possibly embarking on a similar, animated, music-infused adventure.

Welcome to the Future

When traveling from Chicago to Springfield, MA, one has limited options where to stop for the night. There's Cleveland, which would've been fun if the Cavs were in the NBA Finals. There's Buffalo, which I can't imagine being too fun when the colleges are out of session. Then there's Erie, PA, featuring the Presque Isle Downs & Casino. The Road Warriors chose Erie, given that we were hungover, had already gone 450 miles or so, and love gambling.

After checking into a motel across the street, we walked over around 11:30pm, joining the massive crowd of 8 or 9 slot players, one waitress, one bartenders, and a couple drunks. We found the exact machine pictured above, and decided to give it a try, though Blackjack has never been as good to me as Hold 'Em or NFL betting.

So these machines are great, aside from the fact that they're certainly not helping the unemployment rate and may one day turn against humans Terminator-style. The virtual dealers rotate like real dealers, so we started with some smarmy jackass who was quickly replaced by an attractive Asian chick who busted about 85% of her hands, which is amazing. Then there were a couple of failed-stripper types, one of which hit a 7 card 21 and had all 3 of us at the table dropping the worst of 4-letter words. BUT YOU SEE, that's the beauty of it. Based on my time at other casinos, I'd say it's a safe bet that if you were to call an actual person the things we were calling (and flipping off) the machine on Sunday night, we'd get booted in a heartbeat. AND there's the fact that for once I actually made some money playing, when it seemed at first like a machine could easily be rigged to give the House better odds (though my neighbor assures me the Gaming Commission would never let that happen, I still have my doubts).

So automated robotics began "helping" our lives at the grocery store with express checkout, and now it's moved into the Casino realm. I'd like to predict the trend will next move into the education realm so that already underpaid teachers will become obsolete, followed by an eventual SkyNet takeover. I look forward to working 20 hour days at the behest of my lovely robot wife to save up for my robot kid's $50 million education at Syracuse.com.

Ohhh Yes

(from Sports Guy's World)

Q: I don't even care if we win the title or lose it. My goal is to dress for every Finals game like a cross between the manager of an elite strip joint, a mafia don, a porn producer, Paul Bearer and Richard Lewis. Any other suggestions?
-- S. Van Gundy, Orlando, Fla.

SPORTS GUY: Johnny Cash. You might want to work some Johnny Cash in there.

Paul Bearer a.k.a. Percy Pringle

Are you fucking kidding me? R.I.P. Grasshopper

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/06/05/carradine.death/index.html

real quick

"Fantasy Baseball Update from Chicago because the HDVD of The Departed froze 10 minutes in."
a.k.a.
"Idiot Lessons: Part B"

Ok. I've been on the road for four days but I've had internet access everywhere...and I forgot to start Philadelphia ace Cole Hamels tonight. Before I discuss his stats, I must admit that mere hours ago, I was trashing Mr. Hamels and of course Brad Lidge (Philly's closer) for fucking up my f-team's (the L.A. Riotsquad...not the most creative name but I also am in a league of strangers so I can't be the Midnight Mungers and get any appreciation for it) ERA from an awful April (and Lidge's continuing woes despite some recent saves). Essentially I put all the blame on being in dead last in the Yahoo league on my Philly pitchers.
And tonight he goes to L.A. and pitches a motherfucker of a shutout. I see this and instantly have a mild panic attack: Did I have him in the starting rotation?
I get scared and turn on the computer. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I knew it was bad when I saw what the Yankees did to my newly acquired Texas Ranger, Brandon McCarthy (6 ER, 4 IP). And OF COURSE he was starting. And Cole Hamels was benched. 9 IP, O ER, 5 H, O BB
Fuck my life. The icing on the cake, as if my sweettooth hadn't already been yanked from mine gums????
Starting for the L.A. Riotsquad as he does everyday, the Jays' Alex Rios. What might he have done today to top it all off? Howabout 0-5 with 5 FUCKING STRIkEOUTS!!!!!!!! I'd call that a Flaming Sombrero.

Luckily none of this matters, because I rep the JD Drew-tang clan, and he went 0-1...but...wait for it...4 walks, an RBI and a run! I will take it. In dead last I remain. :(

Also, Randy Johnson's son is named Tanner. Randy got Win #300 vs. Washington. Too bad he plays for the gayest team in baseball. Oh wait, that's NYY, featuring Lee Teixeira's husband at first base.

mOral of the story: Cole Hamels still has 'it' and I need to find a better way to channel my hatred for Brad Lidge. Yet I just can't drop him from the Riotsquad. Fucking paradox, as Nicholson was saying before the HDVD player went kaputz. (Sidenote: how High was Jack at the Lakers/Magic game tonight? He displayed jazz fingers after many of Mr. Bryant's baskets, I will have to try to find the video of that tomorrow cause it was fucking hilarious)

"Geez...she fell funny." the departed

Going to Massachusetts

Top Ten Experiences Whilst Living in Los Angeles

10) The Vinnie Jones experience in WeHo

9) All the Vince Vaughn encounters before he crossed over to the dark side.
8) Coachella '07
7) The drunkest nights on Bay St. and Grant St. when everyone lived near each other (vodka jello shots) and the stoniest nights on Masselin and Swall...the details blend together.
6) Celtics championship over the Lakers/fighting Tim (lefty)
5) 2 incidents outside of Sonny McClean's, one drug-related and one ...well, both absurdly random and inappropriate
4) First trip to Vegas for Epsilon Reunion (lost tons of cash on 3-card poker but still fun)
3) Rich guy b-day party featuring all you can eat sushi and an amazing girl-to-guy ratio including Zeus from No Holds Barred

2) That first pot-search with McA, scouring the UCLA campus for the Sammy chapter and succeeding quite nicely
1) Pad Thai, Happy Endings, Love Lockdown, downtown rooftop hottubbing, CDR Tuesdays, some Canadian l'ass, 420 Delivery service, and meeting Lovett, Aloni, and Miller in the same night.

It's been a wild ride.

Stay tuned for the next chapter, and if you're really bored, I'll be tweeting from the road. Likely you'll see inspired posts like "Wow this state is flat and boring and smells like tinkle," or "Busted flat in Baton Rouge...I guess I live here now." Hey, that was actually funny. Wasn't it?

twitter.com/SamsoniteX

Zach and Bradley

If you've been getting revved up for the summer comedy THE HANGOVER, this new webisode of Between Two Ferns should help wet your palette for what I'm hoping is going to be a laughfest and a half.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

"Breaking Bad"

BRomine and BArium...if anyone was wondering. Crystal Methamphetamine = C₁₀H₁₅N^. So no, they don't correlate.

<sup>The title refers to likable antihero Walter White (Bryan Cranston), whose metaphysical (I'm not qualified to use that word but fuck it) wave breaks when he finds out he's got some bad lung cancer...and it breaks bad, as he uses his Chemist superbrain to come up with a great recipe for crank and slowly becomes the meth kingpin of Albuquerque, NM.

What's amazingly pertinent about this show is its portrayal of the Mexican cartels that keep popping up in the news (Sidenote, they rake in about $8 billion a year on pot; wouldn't you rather that money go to our economy? dumb-dee-dumb dumb dumb). They're turning my namesake Arizona city into New Juarez. I take offense, as usual.</sup>

"It's just basic chemistry, yo."-Jesse Pinkman

And along comes a woman, helping make a troubling situation much worse. But that's just what babes like Jane (Krysten Ritter) do. Tonight's episode propels that argument based on the already-in (p)reviews I've seen.

But at the heart of this Coen-brothers-esque story of drug wars, family breakdowns, and uneccessary violence is the ancient conflict of MAN VS HIMSELF.

Walter has accepted an inevitable death after a life he sees as unacceptable, cowardly, and trite, despite having known true love and produced a good son (with a new daughter about to pop out). Now, his good intentions do what good intentions were born to do: create havoc and turn to shit.
To paraphrase one review (ign.com, I think), he is using the illegal narcotics trade to benefit his family without concern for the adverse affects of his crystal product on the many other families that the drug will trickle down to. This amounts to blind self-centered-ness that isn't quite greed and really isn't at all noble, though I take the side of Walter because it's nice to be able to do things your own way once liberated by the impending forecast of your own mortality.

However now that we have found out his cancer is getting 'better' and his chances for survival have largely increased, he seems to trick himself into believing that since the trian is already rolling, and the adventurous danger levels rise, he is happy to keep conducting, showing outward signs of maliciousness when his terf is threatened, even when his authority is questioned by his D.E.A. brother-in-law regarding letting his 16-year-old son gulp down tequila at a family pool party (and I agree with all the other reviews when I say that the tension in that scene was outrageously fucking convincing). Cranston certainly deserved his Emmy for that, though the Emmy came first.

Without getting too in-depth, my predictions for the way the season ends involve the deaths of 2 of our non-White (family) characters, which will blatantly show the viewers that Walt's grand plan is a failure, not because he isn't making the loot he needs to leave his family with, but because these casualties (and there've already been a few) were avoidable. But in the cartel business, life is cheap and the product is what matters. You lose a few soldiers, the war wages on, and everybody with their lighter to the pipe gets to dream ignorantly while their mind dies and the world around them crumbles. Let's just hope this isn't too precognitive for the lives of the many who live on the border between the States' (organized ineffective and obtuse law) and the Cartels' (lawless, effective, and epidemically terminal).

We're all just waiting for that moment when Hank (D.E.A.) discovers the mystery man they're after is his once-spineless, mild-mannered to a fault brother Walt. Someone will end up with more than just egg on his face and/or cuffs on his wrists.

You can win little by little, but it takes no time to lose it all.

Memorial Day Addendum: Here's an interesting synopsis/review of last night's episode:
http://www.nj.com/entertainment/tv/index.ssf/2009/05/breaking_bad_phoenix_throwing.html
and a podcast with the creator and a writer:
http://podcast.amctv.com/breaking-bad/breaking-bad-insider-212.mp3
Links:
http://www.waltswarning.com/
http://www.amctv.com/originals/breakingbad/
one SEXY Bad girl

Talkin bout some 'Heisenberg'

BREAKING BAD REVIEW, COMING AFTER TONIGHT'S EPISODE: "PHOENIX"

for your health

Ludes, Whip-its, and carpentry

It's still weird seeing him do this visually since I grew up listening to a bootleg cassette of it. I wonder where that went...here's a cool little story I read about how this stand-up routine came to fruition.

After a childhood in the 1960s, Leary went to Emerson College in Boston, where he tried his hand at acting and writing. He was a charter member of Emerson's Comedy Workshop, and taught at the college for five years after graduating. By that point he had written several pieces for magazines and had worked at stand-up comedy for a time. In 1990 he and his wife Ann flew to London to perform in the BBC's Paramount City. That weekend Ann's water broke. Their planned weekend trip became a stay of months, and Denis, with not a whole lot to do in London, wrote a one-man comedy act. He brought friends in from the States, and they wrote songs to perform on stage.

"We didn't have MTV, we had the fucking supermarket!"

Hey, who remembers OPERATION DUMBO DROP? I'd say Dr. L has come a long way.

Marked for Death...by music!

Or: Under Siege...by dreadful noise! (Sorry I'm not trying hard here, the picture needs no caption)



Thanks Montone.

Tarantino

Sweet Jesus, I've never been so enthralled and excited reading a Variety review. But my hopes are so damn high for this movie I even made a bet it would garner an Oscar nod for Best Picture.
Here's the trailer if you haven't seen it...



And here's the review, which should include a Spoiler Alert but doesn't, since the script's been passed around Hollywood more than Lindsey Lohan (ba-zing!).
http://www.variety.com/index.asp?layout=festivals&jump=review&reviewid=VE1117940323&cs=1

Vanity Fair even published the first scene (what, you didn't know that was my favorite magazine??). August can't come soon enough. Hell I'd even get a job at Cinemark just to watch it over and over and over. Is that weird?

wednesday funnies

Shuggie!!!

Boogie Noogie Bunch


this one's less funny...more in the "sad but true" arena.

Wonder Showzen: Season 2 | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

oh, Wonder Showzen. I can't imagine how you got canceled. (heavy sarcasm)

Wiigga what?

The SNL season 34 finale hosted by Will Ferrell was phenomenal. And my roommate China was helpful enough to point out that this sketch was a sequel from an Anne Hathaway episode. So I wanted to post them both, but remembered how much NBC/Universal hates YouTube. But they don't hate Hulu, I see.



and the original...




The moral of the story is that I really love Kristen Wiig, like the fanboys before me love Tina Fey. Also, I stumbled across the real Lawrence Welk show last night (somehow...), so this is strangely fateful...but I wouldn't recommend watching it unless you're looking for a quick trip to slumberland.

I survived

http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-5-earthquake-losangeles,0,293623.story

Finally, an earthquake I could actually feel. But I won't go calling myself a 'survivor.'



And a quick plug for NJR films... www.earthquakela.com

An extreme manifesto on Stephen King's "It"

Amidst the mists and coldest frosts,
With stoutest wrists and loudest boasts, He thrusts his fists against the posts, And still insists he sees the ghosts. -articulation excercise


Maaan, I said I wasn't going to write this but it's feeling more and more necessary with each 10 minute youTube clip of the abomination known as (Canadian TV movie) IT (1990) that I watch.

Real quick, if I didn't already say so, but in my 20 some-odd years of reading (*the first book I ever read on my own was Dr. Seuss' MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO, which might explain my loathing of conformity) I have never read a better book that "It." Subjectivity aside, if you are a) from a small town and b) intrigued by the horror genre, I can't imagine there is a better novel out there...I was willing to avoid having to do a super late book review accompanied by a super late "movie" review, until I found out that some real American FILM companies are in the works of developing a new version of It, which sure as shit better be rated R. Or NC-17 if the distrib. companies ever pull their heads out of the sand.

I haven't seen this movie since I watched it with my mom in the mid-nineties, but now, 20 minutes into it, the lack of blood and violence is actually a slap in the face. I understand that it was on TV in a time (a REPUBLICAN time) in which you could hardly say Heck on T.V. and they did the best they could. I will weigh the pros and cons, but one big pro is that, despite the tame nature of the horror scenes, I've spoken with more than one person in the past month who wouldn't go near a toilet or a sewer for months after seeing It in their youth. But GODDAMN THIS MOVIE IS DATED. And mostly miscast, but I'll break that down more later. John Ritter is perfect in his role, that's a gimme, but here's a big red flag: the dominant protagonist, "Stuttering" Bill Denbrough, is a balding man in the novel, yet Richard Thomas, an actor who nobody knows anymore (my dad had to tell me he came to fame as John-Boy Walton on 'The Waltons,' speaking of tame and dated), plays the role with a massive fucking PONY TAIL. Who's bright idea was that? I'm offended by it. But what's really weird that I just noticed tonight is that the child version of Stuttering Bill was played by SeaQuest legend Jonathan Brandis. And he's fucking dead. As is Mr. Ritter. We're 0-2 on the only decent actors in the film. Coincidence? Well...there were several other deaths, but they pertain to the careers of 90% of the actors involved. Two of them came from "Night Court," after all.

I'm pretty sure old 'Cuse taught me that you're supposed to have a thesis statement somewhere toward the beginning of any argumentative essay, and mine would be this:
THEY NEED TO REMAKE THIS MOVIE RIGHT. IT NEEDS TO BE THE CURRENT 15-25 YEARS OLDS' "The Shining." IT MUST SCARE YOU SHITLESS, AND NOT HAVE AN ENDING SO PHONED-IN THAT IT RUINS THE PREVIOUS 3 HOURS OF SEMI-ACCEPTABLE FOOTAGE.

I am fairly convinced that at the time being, I am the only person zeroed in on how great it would be to make amends for turning My Favorite novel into a horror tv-movie by making a Theatrical gorefest akin to "Nightmare on Elm Street" (tonally) and "Scream" (financially). Therefore, I will break down every nuance of the 1990 version and then, using my spiffy Hollywood skill set, send this to the company that I am told is developing IT as we speak. (Vertigo/Lin Pictures) Because producers just loooove tips from fans on how to do their jobs. (-line will be removed before sending-)

Issue #1: Tim Curry was PERFECTO as Pennywise the Clown, but mind you, the clown is NOT IT. Just a face IT wears. Check out that fun fact on imdb that says none of the other actors in the movie would even go near Curry during the filming because he stayed in character, and he was a bonified Creeper while doing so. In my opinion, there is NO REASON not to recast Tim as the Clown. Fuck age, he's got the chops and the studios have A-list makeup artists. I suppose it's just a matter of willingness; actors probably don't love the thought of doing something they've already done unless we're talking about Kurt Russell escaping from L.A. (which, funny enough, is exactly what I'm trying to do too!) or Vin Diesel driving cars while getting paid to (choking) "act."

Back to how dated this is, the movie was shot only 20 years ago, and I fully acknowledge the world was a much different place in 1990, but the costumes are ludicrous. Looks that dress toward the end of YouTube's Part 2 and tell me you didn't vomit into your mouth a little. Was there a phase where sexy meant making women look like they had the Ultimate Warrior's biceps? God I hope that doesn't ever become cool again. BUT, I will say that whoever plays the adult Ben Hanscom in the new version should absolutely rock a bolo tie. I mean, that's what rich achitects do, right?

More to come tonight...I still have about 14 hrs of broken up footage to comb over, and it's not the same to watch on such a scorcher of a day. Disclaimer: If the Celtics win, I will follow through. If they lose, I will likely write a drunken slur of an entry about how much Hedo Turkoglu looks like Le Tenia from the French mindsnapper Irreversible
and how hopefully this time the guy with the fire extinguisher gets it done right. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you're lucky. (shudders)

just eat it.

Well now...this isn't something one tends to stumble across on an 80 degree Saturday afternoon, but destiny brought me to it and I think everyone needs to give a watch.
Equation: Weird Al + aspiring new media artists = fucking whacky youtube videos.



What visuals will stick with you the longest after this? The funny ones, the dirty ones, the plain-wrong ones? It really just makes me want to watch those "I am a banana" skits from college. Just look what the Internet has done to humanity. (shaking head) FOR FUCK'S SAKE, IT MADE THIS GUY FAMOUS...



...and yes, this is the first time I saw this though good ol' South Park made me aware of it. Peep that episode sometime

which brought back memories of this hilarious schtick from the same episode...



and if you're still with me, kill some more brain cells with this nonsense!

cartoon

This seems funny enough to steal from DeadlineHollywoodDaily.com and re-post. It almost makes me glad I chucked my bluetooth earpiece somewhere (no clue where) in a fit of rage.

Gratefully...

I really love this song, tied with Friend of the Devil and Box of Rain for best Dead songs, but what fascinates me most are the nuances of this mysterious "Playboy After Dark" show. That'd just be amazing to be Hef, hosting that show out of your personal sex palace, and chat it up with Jerry Garcia before having him lull your entourage of dopers into a somber ecstasy with music that sounds more like 80s cartoon epic than 70s folk-rock.

I already miss them...

Since the mainstay of prime time shows are all about to be done-zo for the summer, I wanted to again provide you precious people with The List of TV shows that are actually good for the brain and don't rot it like anything (and everything) on CBS.
Worst of all, our beloved South Park is already on hiatus after a brilliant 7-episode half-season featuring this incredible faux-song:



WHAT TO WATCH
Breaking Bad (coming soon: a post entirely about this awesome AMC show)
Rescue Me
The Office
Parks & Recreation (Give it a chance! Or two.)
Lost (you know, some people just hate for the sake of hating. We call them "haters.")
30 Rock
South Park (Fish dicks? Love em.)
Mad Men (shout out to Kinsey)
American Dad (better, though similar, to Family Guy, which peaked in 2000)

um...I don't have a tenth but I'm educated-guessing that FRINGE is the next non-pay-cable show I will tackle, now that I'm a true believe in the power of JJ. And as for HBO and Showtime shows, they're basically all amazing so...do as you will.

Because I got high

"The problem is that current policies are based on prejudices and fears and not on results."

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/americas/05/13/mexico.fox.marijuana/index.html
*Update* and FYI, the legalization of marijuana is something I care about more symbolically than for the fact that I think it'd be convenient to be able to grab a pack of White Rhinos on my way out of Ralph's to compliment the bacon and eggs.

http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2009/05/06/Schwarzenegger-Marijuana-debate-is-needed/UPI-82621241635254/

For the first time since he decided that the people of Mars deserved air and water just like everybody else, the Governator and I are seeing eye-to-eye.

Seriously, what clown would turn down this idea in such a time of crisis? I understand the arguments for and against (the best against being that is will be a slippery slope as to what gets legalized next. I'll argue the case for licensed prostitution 'perhaps later.')
But the big issue I take is that Alcohol is far more dangerous that pot any day of the week, no matter if you're a 12 year old stealing a cup o' Granddad's brandy and mixing it with fruit punch to make it bearable, or a "responsible" grown-up on his way home from a convention, certain that the 10 drinks he's had were distributed equally over the course of an hour and a half...(see obligatory OZ video clip)


I won't tell you details, but that little drive was NOT a good idea, for more reasons that just the loss of one life or the lifetime of guilt to follow. Not to say it's a great idea to smoke and drive but I know for a fact that when I've tried it, I go slower, carefully, and am never in as big a hurry.

Point is, it's a narrow-minded fucking country. In times like these, why should you care if the next door neighbor is stoned, gay, communist, or mineral? Don't worry be happy. Peace.

The Dumbest Smart Person I Know

"trey parker? (no) kanye west? (no)...dominic west (says Sax)...ohhhhh McNulty, I gotcha. gay fish, the doctor...rap? (to self) i am confused, mr. mathers." yours truly, with some embellished monologue

I am sitting here, in the dark early onset of a Los Angeles evening, a hot white screen burning holes in my eyes but it's cool cause I just did something.
Walking back from the store, a King Cobra ready to go (yet unopened), I'm reflecting on the quasi IQ test I took today, online of course, but as part of some job recruitment thing. I was 3/3 on the practice test, but the bastards don't even give you your real score. I'll assume as usual I tested well...but I tested dumb. Meaning, at the part where you upload your resume, I did one of those half-assed attaches, where you select the file but get anxious and hit next before you've uploaded the fuckin thing.
So now I'm already putting myself in the head of the recruiter schmuck saying, "Gee whiz, Carol, do we want some fella working the desk that tests well in our timed, not wicked-easy aptitude test even if he can't pull his head out of his ass for 2 seconds and upload his resume? Christ, Carol, he'd at least go back onta the site and upload it later after realizing that it's a tough job market right now and even this useless job puts bread in your pockets, even if they're more akin to ass-crumbs?"
"I'm not going to debate the economy with you, Alouicious, but money's money" replied Carol. She--
Wait a second, this was supposed to be a monologue about...about........
Being a good test taker, being able to fairly evaluate a person's character, knowing wisdom, placing value on loyalty and love...BUT STILL too dumb to a) attach a resume and/or care about doing so b) plan ahead c) write a focused article on intellect vs. ego. (For all I know there could actually be a typo in here somewhere!! No wait, I see the spellchecker feature now) I mean, today I spend money on malt liquor first, medical bills second, eggs third...but to give myself credit I did not do anything so foolish today as say HEY I WANT STOCK IN GM!. (On Eggs: I just started cooking them to add to my infamously narrow repertoire of cereal and pasta; yesterday I debuted an old Pineapple BBQ Kielbasa recipe that was simply marvelous).

So does the guy hire me? Did you think he shouldn't? I mean, I'm certainly overqualified, and I do believe saying that proves I'm becoming The Ignorance that I've always so disliked. But I'm more dumb that ignorant, no doubt. So now that I've decided through my mind-meld with a fictional hiring man I don't know exists, I turn from interior to exterior, my first though being honestly: My teeth aren't going to hold up long since I didn't wear my retainer (one of my very few regrets, along with that other S.B. thing), so the million dollar smile of '02 has turned to the $450 smile of '09. And my face muscles may come to hurt from all the fake smiling. But there may be real smiles too...optimism...Ohhhmmm....optimism.....Ohhhmmmm. (zen noises) End it with a quote, Carol? Sure. "Serenity now, insanity later." Or an orignal (?): If you acknowledge you are dumb, you just got dumber.
Shit!Star Trek was really good (and enhanced by imax; my imax virginity hath been taken). Age: 25 1/2

urban

Who still uses/ponders this gruesomely accurate term:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=semen+receptacle

Learn from past mistakes: Don't be one! (said the kettle to the pot)

And now, a frightening picture:a) I'm drinking a King Cobra (it's about goners) and b) Good Luck getting any white person to touch that thing! We born lake-calmers, not snake-charmers. (Who's making odds on whether or not the cobra just turned and murdered Aziz Sr. here after the flash went off? Eh??)

tiger mountain peasant song

This song is cozy. I see it as a possible theme song for some hypothetical story some hypothetical person might conceive of...hypothetically.

Chuck P in the house

While en route from Baltimore to Phoenix, though I had signed up for Hartford to L.A., I needed some reading material, and I purchased a magazine expressly for this interview.

http://www.playboy.com/articles/playboy-interview-chuck-palahniuk/index.html

Honestly, this interview is about 30x better than any of the pictures. Honestly. But the internet only offers us a portion of it, so...maybe buy one yourself. (And yes, I was too embarrassed to read it on the plane so I just finished it today.)

Nothing is as bad as waking up inside of a dead horse...

origin of the comedy fetish

best comedy album ever. give her a listen.
"nyQuil nyQuil nyQuil, we love you, you giant fucking Q."

i'm not the one who's so far away

shit, actually I am!

this looks groovy +2 http://thevoodooexperience.com/2009/

so does this!

RELEVANT

Pulp Fiction: I Don't Dig On Swine - These bloopers are hilarious

I wish I'd thought of that!

http://tech.yahoo.com/blogs/patterson/40926


Seriously Bill...quit being a toolbox complete with jackhammer/satisfy your wife tool...jealousy stinks like an asshole full of lox.

Did you not establish yourself as a modern KING? WTF, mate? On-the-go...for life, essay. (sp?) Yeah, i'm hard. Hard enough to rock an iTouch, sucka. And what song do I play the most?

Probably the "Sea & Sound" meditation record. for relaxation...and research. Ja bless.

in honor of the oscars and progress

five-to-one is a bRodeo

FotC - Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor - watch more funny videos

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/02/19/women.bikinis.objects/index.html

This pretty much sums up the new life in March...

Hollywood ASST from Back of the Class on Vimeo.

This movie was sick.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/layer_cake/

I once borrowed this DVD, and someone stole it before I could watch it. Sorry, Peaches. Now, 4 years later, I've seen it, and I've enjoyed it enough to promo it to your ass.

"It's Revenge of the Nerds meets OZ! Revenge of the Oz? Oz Nerds? Whatever, it'll be good."

Hi, My Name is _________

Hi! I'm Dan Phoenix. I like/love marijuana, nice cute girls and/or fast confident women, baseball and pizza. I dislike busywork and vegetables. Life is for living. Take pictures. Listen to music. Laugh out Loud. Try to understand human nature. Be understanding, if not, be tolerant. Who are You to decide what is right/wrong.

I'm English/Irish/German/Dutch/French and 2, count 'em, TWO tribes of native American, one on mom's side, one on dad's. Dad's outgoing, Mom's reclusive (divorced). I'm a strange conglomerate of a lot of ancestors I cannot imagine what they were like...Good? Evil? Lazy pot heads? (I'm talking to you, Blackfoot tribe)

I have a really big family and a lot of good friends who are spread across the USA...DC, St. Diego, Chi-town, Beantown, NYC, Gainesville, and fuckin' Arkansas...I REALLY WISH they were all closer together. True Friends are vastly underrated.

I was born a good person 10.30.83, months following a miscarriage (oops) and was a C-section...only child. Low income suburban upbringing i'd be hard-pressed to trade for anything...The Struggles we Survive make us More Apt to Survive greater struggles. It is not irreversible damage, it is merely a gauntlet of tests and quizzes.

i often feel everyday the 'good' in me is being erased. People will tell you I am kind, compassionate, and moral...
And I am, too...but the stability of these virtues is in Question, and that is what I'm writing about.

I thought you would like to try this JUNGLEorange$herbet station I created on Pandora. Just click the link below and start listening.

A friend wants to share some music with you. "JUNGLEorange$herbet" Pandora is a free music service that helps you listen to and discover new music.

Huh?

I hope you have a good day.
-Dan
"I am a visitor here. I am not permanent."~Ben Gibbard



same song, different takes...

Actor mini-salute: James Purefoy

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solomon_Kane_(film)

sheeeittt...Marc/James would've made a great STDemon...you know? that story that doesn't exist but would be a cult smash if it did? too bad i accidentally severed my ties with John Schwartz as he is up north being deified by some cult who thinks he's a messiah or something. Cool guy. Determined not to be brainwashed. Point is, HE could make STDemons a cool movie. And for anyone who knows "Faces of Death," yes, it was fake. Mostly...

RIMPau's a tool

Jungle Orangeman (8:39:32 AM): that final touchdown won me 100 bux......joy all around, Carl!
Auto Response from CarlS 88 (8:39:33 AM): 6 TIME WORLD CHAMPS
Jungle Orangeman (8:39:40 AM): that said, the patriots will maim you next year

(this is just for the record, in case I am wrong)

Also this:

FUCK THE LAKERS and Ray Allen's inability to take a smart shot with 3.0 seconds to go and getting blocked by RIMPau Gasol, the magical Spaniard. You're rich dude, shave that scruff.

And this:

http://www.dontforgettovalidateyourparking.com/Archive.html (probably only interesting to biz people...psshh...more like Sheeple.

Since I said he's a Tool, doesn't Pau look like one of these claymation things in this: (no, he doesn't, but he's still an ugly bullfighting androgenous purple/yellow touch-hole)




And this, just cause I'm seeing it for the first time:

Is this a fucking record or what?

SportsGuys? Alter?...Schaefer? Coop? Who knows how far one can hit the ball in MVP06, which falls into my TOP FIVE VIDEO GAMES of my life. List bound to change at ANY given moment.

5 Madden 07
4 Mario Kart 64
3 Mario Kart Double Dash or Mario Party (4, 5, 6 or 7)
2 MVP 2006 or NBA Street 2, soon to be eclipsed by NBA 2K9
1 GoldenEye OR NBA JamTOURNAMENT EDITION (features the Clintons, Beastie Boys, AND the Suns' Gorilla)

Boy, I wish "Reptile" never retired. :(

Notable omissions: Super Mario Bros., Wii Sports, Guitar Hero, Street Fighter 2, PGA Golf Tour

#93A234

about your father...

s2e10: De Patre Vostro...



Wow. just 2 seasons of this? that's it? fuck. i need to time warp and either a) go back to my Peter Weller course on Roman History through Film for a second fix or b) go back in time to Rome and hope Cleopatra truly was as cute as Lyndsey Marshal.

The way they ended the show was great! much better than that turncoat David Chase's series finale...which is ONLY worthwhile IF there's ever a Sopranos movie. Speaking of which, make ROME into a movie. Its best character never dies. They cut the series 2-seasons short of finishing telling us about the fall or whatever of Octavian Caesar. And it the end, isn't the city supposed to fall to Gaul or some shit? Maaan my history knowledge is slipping.

Anyway, watch this show if you ever want to laugh, cry, and then swordfight whilst laughing/crying.




Cleopatra: Is [Titus Pullo] a good man?

(beat)
Vorenus: Define good.



Ray Stevenson should get a fucking award for that role.




The song I always hear in my mind when writing about this show. Figure it out!

pick me.

February 1, 2009: Apex of Comedy

The Office was one of the Top 3 ever, namely the opening scene which had me falling off the couch with laughter. Flight of the Conchords was awesome. And my blackberry got knocked into a kiddie pool...dead.

And the Super Bowl was great for almost everyone who bet on Arizona to cover the spread. Who I feel bad for are the few that had 400 to 1 odds in September that the Cards would win the Super Bowl...Santonio Holmes may have a few man-hunters on his ass.

http://www.hbo.com/eastboundanddown/ In 2 weeks, this!
http://www.hbo.com/eastboundanddown/cast/terence_cutler.html UCB holla.

MY FAVORITE: Album Covers