Hump Day

Double hump day. This is art, not pornography!
http://www.tv.com/south-park/clubhouses/episode/2441/trivia.html#quotes
This link has some great quotes except for the one I wanted which is something like:

STAN (reading note in class, quoting Bebe re: Kyle): I could sleep for days on that ass.

Tasty Tuesday?

I have zilch to say today except that this site is now only accessible if I've invited you. Feel exclusive. I promise Chapter 1 will be ready to go by Labor Day. Even if I have to pass up sex to labor through a 7th draft...Holiday sex!!!

Ha...as if I'd pass.

GO SOX

NOW the Olympics seem interesting

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/olympics/article4582421.ece?token=null&offset=0&page=1

"There is a famous story from Seoul in 1988 that there were so many used condoms on the roof terrace of the British team's residential block the night after the swimming concluded that the British Olympic Association sent out an edict banning outdoor sex."

(contributed by A.S.)

It's Friday, you know.

And the new valet stops me from blocking any other cars in (P2 is almost entirely double parked) so i can take the spot furthest from the elevator. he of course doesn't know i have fractures and torn tendons and cannot drive with my procare maxtrax ankle brace on, and that it is not good for my rehabilitation (feels like if you abbreviate it it's a definite drug/alcohol connotation) to stumble the entire length of a B.O.A. building to get to work when i'm of course, you guessed it, already 25 min late. he does this because he is lazy and doesn't want to bring my keys up to the 4th floor after he unblocks that fuckin' minicooper I wanted to block. AND/or he's too new to realize that Suite 400 mothafuckas aren't to be trifled with!

VALET: How you doing sir?

ME: (cavernous echo, slight smile) I'd be better if I wasn't parked so far away.

VALET: (uncomprehending) Good!

sigh

But I had no missed calls, so Ha. "Mission Accomplished" as some idiot once said.
fuck. this ain't never gonna heal. here we go road sox.

you ain't got drugs yet

This video and a picture I'm unable to scan in at this time remind me very much of a special time. End of August, 2001. Just moving into Flint 4A. Not knowing those first 2 weeks of college would be the last "normal" hours of the 21st century. And my biggest concern was finding a hottie in my French class to French after class. Didn't work. That reminds me, buy this: M2

I love to learn

Urban Dictionary . com

gr7

adj.
A little less than gr8 (great) but still better than just good: said grr-sev-en

Andy: how are you?

Sofia: gr7 you?

Andy: Just good

ring ring ring ring ring ring ring

Banana Phone.

In honor of the Class of 2012, moving into Flint and Lawrinson Halls today and tomorrow.

And now, some French.

Le Menage a Trois Parfait
(*Picks based on random impulse and longtime fetishes.)
(**Megan Fox has been discluded for her relations with scumB.A.G.)

1) Bar Rafaeli


2) Sara Boberg


3) Shakira
whenever, wherever

Naturellement, si c'était vraiment parfait, il m'inclurait et serait de quatre.

damn right, it's better than yours...

R*ck me? R*ck YOU

Share your QOTD!!!

My QOTD is from the semi-obscure-but-no-Bruce-Willis-film-is-really obscure Last Man Standing, a virtual redux of the famed spaghetti western A Fistful of Dollars and Yojimbo.

This quote comes from vet character-actor Bruce Dern, playing the town's passive Sheriff whose authority has been voided by the presence of local warring bootleggers. That helps explain why he has the time to spout out immortal words penned (presumably) by Walter Hill, helping Americanize the storyline he and/or New Line Cinema ganked from Kurosawa, Kikushima and Sergio fuckin Leone.

"You know something amigo, I think I just spotted the chink in your armor. When you go down, it's gonna be over a skirt."

Everytime I want to say it out loud, I butcher it. Thanks, Internet, for making useless info and outright strange imagery accessible to me in less than a minute.

Song of the second: Heathcliff's Haiku Warriors

Animal writes.

This show claims to be using trained animals that were rescued from the pound and such...which leaves me asking one of those tough questions: Is it better to die via euthenasia or be a circus slave in Vegas wondering if the afterlife is a) real or b) better than jumping through flaming hoops on a daily basis. I think there's room for a PG-13 Pixar film here..."Lady & the Tramp" wasn't a real upbeat flick and that did well enough...

Variety highlights

#1 : "MOSE PROSE"

(from article by Michael Schneider)



"'The Office'" scribe Michael Schur has sealed...Seven-figure pact...Universal Media Studios (for Office spinoff with Amy Poehler)

"Schur will continue to lend an occasional hand to 'The Office' and possibly revive his onscreen persona as Mose, the beet farmer and bearded cousin of Dwight Schrute."


Yes, this is what I aspire to be. A $7figure writer, still in the primetime of my life, with the occasional opportunity to play a mute sidekick to Rainn Wilson and hopeful Inglourious Basterd B.J Novak. (The Bear Jew!!!!)

The owners were getting tired of her buying up their entire stock of Molsen Golden and Slim Jims.

(Cafeful down there, JY & JB)

New sex position discovered!

And they call it "The Beijing Tombstone"...probably because you won't survive it. But what a way to go...

My acting debut (6th grade play nonwithstanding)

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Hope you enjoy! (Note: All goatees have since been removed)

shaming syracuse

WTF, Aaron?
http://www.deadlinehollywooddaily.com/what-aaron-sorkin-did-during-wga-strike/#comments



Notice the ease with which Demi swallows (1:14)

Learn how to spell Masochist

–noun
1.
Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
2.
gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
3.
the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
4.
the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.



I became a Nas fan this year. Way to stay on the cutting edge, me!

Wrong, so wrong

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/08/12/oly.kids/index.html

This makes me sad, but it relates to the oh-so-fucked direction our society may be headed, at least pertaining to media, sexuality, and social hierarchies. I bet you're sad now too. Don't worry; just look at the post below. Then call xxx-xxx-6807 and say "Hypocritical ass!"

Something you can do with a Pineapple

Wait, another PE post? Barely. Just letting you know that the bombshell who plays Seth Rogen's high school gf is real-life 22 year-old Amber Heard (she was close to or just turning 21 while shooting the movie; what the fuck kind of luck is that? I was passed out in a bush outside the student center on my 21st, this girl was probably getting tagged by James Franco and Danny McBride...not that I'm saying that's what I would've prefered...I would've prefered having Amber "distract" me during the last 20 minutes of the film.)

Thanks, you Putz

Seattle Mariners closer J.J. Putz hit Tampa Bay Rays' stud 3rd Baseman Evan Longoria and fractured his wrist. I'm celebrating. If that's news to you it's because you don't know that the crappy ol' Tampa is the league leader in the AL East, where both fans and foes of my beloved Red Sox expect Boston and New York to be upholding their classic duel. But that's not the case in 2008. Somehow the scappy bunch of no-names (subjectively speaking, ace lefty Scott Kazmir is the only one worth knowing from a disinterestedly piqued standpoint) is ahead by 4 games with about 7 weeks left of the season. This was bad news for those wishing to see Boston pull the repeat, still basking the glory of breaking a long World Championship draught.

But now the not much younger but much better paid young fella who's helped the Rays hold on to first place for so long is hurt, thanks to Putz, whose Mariners were more or less embarassed by the AL East's toppers on the Rays' recent trip to sunny Seattle.

Enemies of Freedom a.k.a. Boston-haters are reeling, laughing at me, spitting in my face while their Bronx lamas are 9 games out of 1st. Why? Because they are saying "Look at that faggot fuck Boston fan. That smarmy shiteater is content taking a title, a pennant even, for his team now that their competition is beat up? Fuck that chowder eating bisexual." Well, kind, hypothetical sir, I retort by saying that this is merely a karmic crackerjack prize for what happened 2 years ago, when half the team was hurt, a third got the plague, and the leftover 2 infielders got drafted, Toronto finished ahead of us in the standings, and the friggin Cardinals went on to win it all. WTF, mate? Up until the crash the team was playing like contenders, with an 11 game win streak at one point highlighted by (you remember it) Coco Crisp's defensive gem in center field against the Mets. Of course, with every other game getting rained out, the city's morale was spiraling down like fall becomes winter and then the Celtics had their worst season ever (fact check?) Of course, they turned it around this year.

Anyway, Cheers to JJ Putz, from someone who can't help but care more about the Red Sox winning than about my first born, 3rd puppy purchased, and re-animated grandparents (or the possibility of such madness) combined. Next time aim for Upton cause he kills us!

I give the film a B+

"The executives at Sony are as high as the characters in the movie over the strong opening for the film," one studio insider quipped. (deadlinehollywooddaily.com)

Also this: http://www.scorchermovie.com/

STDemons: Prologjammin

Wade Donnelly felt something in the breeze as he walked down Commonwealth Ave that day, the way only a veteran of a seasonal region can: summer turning to fall. Sipping his latte, he didn't have much time to savor the changing of the seasons as he was perplexed by the mishandling of "his" barista.

In some neighborhoods, the masses would call Wade schlubbish, but in this part of town, he looked borderline dapper. He attributed the young chicana's friendly smiles and name-recognition (not that Wade was ubercommon) to a real appeal that he'd just found out she truly did not have for him. What the fuck? he thought. Since when do I get the Hooters treatment at Starbucks?


For about eight months he'd planned his thrice-weekly trips to 'Strbx' (blackberry-ized spelling, more will come...) based on what days Allia the Smiling Barista was working, and for eight months he'd kept the banter professional with no hint of flirtatiousness, but always just a touch of charm. He'd always had rough luck with ladies, so know that he never just goes for it. He waits it out. And it never pays off.



~flashback: 5 minutes ago~



After ordering his nonfat Cinnamon Dolce latte (iced), Wade casually strolls over to the barista station, where the bubbly, cute, and certainly college-aged barista Allia is all smiles and espresso shots.

Wade awkwardly tries leaning against the counter, self-conscious of not trying to look too interested, but also making sure he has center stage for any forthcoming banter with "his" latte-designer.

ALLIA: Hey Wade!

WADE: Hey. (I'm more established in the community and higher up the social ladder than her...she's cuter.)

ALLIA: Having a good morning?

WADE: Not too bad. Didn't see you here last Tuesday, I had to settle for Coffee Bean.


She smiles, slightly confused.

WADE: I don't really trust your co-workers to make my latte to my liking. (Alliteration makes me sound flamboyant) So I just went to Coffee Bean fully aware I wouldn't enjoy my drink.


She giggles.


WADE: Hey, I hate to break the code of conduct we've maintained thusfar, but...I think you're really cute and maybe sometime we could see eachother somewhere other than here.


Customers crowding around Wade for their drinks can't help but notice his subdued attempts at picking this chick up. Wade, already uncomfortable, becomes even moreso.

ALLIA: I can't date a customer, Wade, even one as nice as you.

WADE: Is it because I don't tip?

ALLIA: You do tip.

WADE: I know...I just...I wanted to remind you. (This is going poorly, abort! Abort!!!)

ALLIA: Sorry sweetie. Let's just be latte friends.


She hands him his drink. (Wade: she didn't even give me a fucking straw!)


WADE: (Chalk up another in the Loss column) Have a fantastic day, Allia. (You spickish fool...no, she's savvy, she knows better than to tangle with this dangle...fuck.)

~back to: Commonwealth Ave...midday~


Taking little (but some) comfort in having at least broken the barrier, Wade picked up his pace walking to the T-station, trying not to picture the mouth-fucking and tanned-ass spanking he'd have liked to engage in with Allia, but not minding the warmth in his southern regions. He fancied it helped his posture when his cock was leading the way.

Being in Boston, and being Irish, Wade would make his way to one of his local haunts where they served a good selection of beer. He was certain he needed one, but there may have been another force calling him to the well that night...depression and self-pity are trumped by fate, time after time. In fact, it's a damn good thing for everyone that Allia wasn't diggin' the 30-year old's vibe.

NEXT

Chapter 1 : Franklin

TGIF 8 8 08

http://www.stuffhollywoodassistantslike.com/

and if ya didn't already know bout it...

http://www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/

shout out

“Working in publicity in an agency is like being in charge of valet at a parapalegic camp,” Brillstein quipped...






Having worked in entertainment as well as the valet industry, my condolences to the Brillstein family.

Brillstein liked the money but argued against the project on the grounds that Spielberg had never done comedy and the script was not really that funny. But Belushi told Brillstein, “I can’t turn down Spielberg.” (Source: deadlinehollywooddaily.com)

Patton

http://www.pattonoswalt.com/index.cfm?page=spew&id=83

contrib by McA

"I contain mostly caffeine, Cheet-o dust, fear and scotch."

I can be your P.E. (Not phys ed this time)

http://www.slashfilm.com/2008/08/06/the-great-pineapple-express-shark-kitten-t-shirt-controversy/

I haven't even seen this movie yet, but for some reason I get a warm fuzzy sensation that it's going down in as true lore in the cult films lexicon. This article says it all. I especially like the writer's Judge Judy joke, and usually even invoking her name causes me Fury!!

Then the warm and fuzzy feeling goes away, when I think about the warm and fuzzy feeling the shark had in it's mouth before the crunch of kitty bones was drowned out by some surfer douche yelling "Hang ten, bra!"

Tastes like God's vagina

Because I registered to vote in CA

I'll post this vid courtesy of the SAXmachine.

"Maaaaaaaan" ~ Darby

Ripe TV - Sabrina Maahs


Fate once allowed this girl to share a half a joint with me. Fuck, I wish I still got invited to billionaire birthday parties. Look for this young lady in next year's flick "Jeremy Piven Can't Lead a Film."

oh, Defamer

finally, something worth watching.

http://defamer.com/5033553/some-anti+drug-psas-are-best-enjoyed-brain+meltingly-high

I worked on the 65th highest grossing film of all time...

http://www.boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=nationaltreasure2.htm

...yet I feel so hollow inside. Yet, that was 2007, and if I recall correctly, amid the dreary hangover that fell upon me the day of January 1, 2008, I (along with so many of you) declared 2008 a year where we make a difference.

With November having not come yet, the Greater of differences hath yet be decreed. But on a personal note, I can say that most of this year has been entirely worthless. I'm not complaining, because I take this as a sign that things are going to get better as August settles in and my favorite month (10) approaches. I will spend time in San Diego, finish reading a book or 2, finish Season 1 of Californication, start Season 2 of Dexter, and finish THE WIRE. On less tenuous fronts, hopefully the company will get some Green Lights, my writer friends will present me with glorious drafts of their scripts, we'll find another Thanksgiving Day film as perfect to watch as AMERICAN BEAUTY was last year (this year's options have not yet been narrowed down to

1) Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves

2) Back to the Future 2

3) Tootsie

4) Patch Adams

5) Irreversible

)

Writer's block sucks. I've been reduced to an internet Blossom.

Now I'll just quote some song to really bring down the polished professionalism...

"I hear rosetta singing in the night

Echoes of lighting shine like stars after they're gone

And tonight she's my guide as a girl on the moon

With the music up above"

We got 147 days left to make this year a little funnier, and a whole lot sexier. JBAY!

Hot Wrong & Thirsty

http://users.livejournal.com/_ant0n_/1478222.html

contrib. by MR

C-Rob

See more Craig Robinson videos at Funny or Die